Boules Bleues

“Seven-Eight-Seven-Eight-Nine-Eight” I muttered to myself as I typed those same numbers- a cheat-code – on my Nokia Torchlight phone and began to play ‘Bounce’ while walking around the estate. I had been soliquizing for about two hours. I thought I was losing it but then a voice in my head assured me I was ok. It had been a pretty fucked couple of months for me. Man Utd, Boston Celtics and Netherlands all screwing up in the sporting world, Ted Mosby still not revealing who his fucking wife was/is & having to wait till September for the 5th Season of Sons Of Anarchy to begin. Life truly was messed up. Perhaps I was too engrossed in my thoughts that I failed to notice the hot chic standing in front of me. I’m not gon’ lie & say she was a goddess, a mixture of Eva Mendez & Meagan Good but she sure was stunning. I’ll say an 8

“Excuse me, you might wanna watch your steps. You almost bumped into that Ford” she said. She spoke with an African American type-accent.
“Thanks” I halted. “I probably should. Too much on my mind” I gave a fake smile. My penis gave a genuine smile. You know they say it takes a guy 1 second to know if he could smash a chic, yes, that’s why my penis smiled.
“Girl-problem I guess, I can tell by the way you were texting” she said & gave a smile.
“Nah, haha… not girl problem. Having problems with this E-banking but its sorted out” I lied trying to sound a lil more mature but then I realized you couldn’t browse with that Nokia torchlight. Luckily I had both of my phones in my hands so I was safe. She told me her name

“Titilayo. But I’ll rather be called Titi. It’s what I’ve been called since I was a baby.”

She was taking her evening walk so we did that together. We swapped stories. She grew up in Ibadan but spent the last 12 years of her life in DC. She was done with college & only returned to Nigeria for her NYSC ‘cos she figured she would need it someday if she ever wanted to settle here. She was 25. Her ass was 28, in its prime. I told her I was 17. A no-pimpled modafucker like me could easily get away with that lie. I was kidding of course. That was the beginning of my woes. She thought I was serious.

“Well, 17, 2 two more years left in college and you’ve got a summer job, I’m impressed. I must say you’re really ambitious. I love that in a man”
Green light. I started flirting with her heavily. Cracked all the jokes I had stashed. After a while she brought up an issue about her senior bro who spent sometime in jail for having sex with an under-aged chic back in DC and said having sex with anyone below 18 was a mistake she would never make. Stupid me forgot I lied to her bout my age. We talked and talked and after a long walk we got to the front of her crib. We exchanged numbers and I headed home.

Days later I was coming back from work, a bit tired, hungry and angry as a muther. I just got down from my cab when I heard my name and turned.

“Hey Chyk…” It was Titi. She was in her NYSC outfit. “Woah! You look pissed. Bad day at the office I guess.” “Yea” I replied as I paid the cab driver and turned to walk towards her. “Bad day. Plus I’m starving. Haven’t eaten since last night. Woke up kinda late this morning so I had to skip breakfast”. “I see. Sorry bout that. You could come over and have lunch and DON’T say no”. Just what I needed. I smiled, thanked her and followed her.

“Make yourself at home” she pointed to the couch and tossed her remote control at me as we got the living room. “My folks aint gon’ be back till 10 I guess. Give me a second while I fix somn’ for you to eat” and she left. I left alone. Hungry. And I was starting to get horngry. I was flipping through the channels when she reemerged.
“Umm, Chyk.Vega…?” I honestly would be a fagget if I remembered what she said. She had changed into a bum short and this very revealing red tank top. My penis spoke up.
“I want you” then I paused. Who the fuck says that. But it seemed to work. She walked over to me, bent over and kissed me. I kissed back. Next thing we were all over her couch. Taking off each other’s clothes, dying to have each other at that moment. We were like two randy dogs. I was sucking on her titties, gently and running my hands down her thighs then she gently spread her legs and whispered “take me”. My penis smiled.

“Chyk… Chyk… HELLO! CHYK!!”
I startled and shook my head. I was with the remote control in my hand and staring right at Titi who was at the other end of the living room.
“Umm, Chyk I asked ‘Vegan?’ Wanted to know if u eat meat and then you kinda blanked out for 20 seconds or so”.
“My… My bad. Yes. I mean no. Not a vegetarian. I eat meat. I was umm” “Thinking of me?” She said confidentally and smiled. Damn she looked so sexy. She walked over to me, leaned over and gave me a soft kiss. I pinched myself. It was for real this time. She raised her head and said
You’re a great guy. Only reason I would invite you into my house in the first place. I prolly woulda allowed you have me if you weren’t below 18. Heck I woulda poun…” “Excuse me.. Below 18? I’m 24. The other day, that was a joke.” “haha.. Sweetie, boys tell alota lies when they’re horny, I’m not falling for that” she wasn’t buying my real age. My penis was sad. I was horny as a muther & desperate. I had never been in this situation before now. Out of pure desperation I blurted out…
“What if I can prove I’m 24?” “wha..What? Come on sweetie it’s just sex. I’m sure they’re loads of girls you can call up. I’m just not ready for any court ca…” “Those laws don’t even exist in Nigeria here. For real, you can have sex with whomever”… she sighed. She probably was finding the whole thing weird and a bit irritating already “fine then. Prove it”.

I sprinted out of her house & started running to my own crib. Got to the door & rang the doorbell. A second later the door opened & I ran to my room. I hadn’t even given a thought to the bizarre shit I was doing. I brought out my box and started going through it. First I brought out my birth certificate then my NYSC certificate. And then I thought it would be wise to carry my CV along. Agro, as they say, has an unknown male parent. Na bastard. I mean all those certificates in my hands, it was like I was looking for a job. Well, come to think of it in a way I was, a blow job. I pulled out a bottle of alomo & a can of red bull I had stashed under the bed, mixed ‘em in a cup & gulped them fast. Maybe I had a reason for coming back home, to take that. Maybe the sex gods didn’t want me to fall my hand so they made a way for me to come back home first before shagging her. i took some breath mints and sprinted outa the room & out of the house… and then it happened. I tripped & fell face first. Next thing I knew I was in te backseat of a car with one my neighbors. I figured he was rushing me to the hospital. I had a severe cut on my left arm, little tiny pieces of glasses stuck in it & a semi-erection. Opportunity, gone.

“I saw your CV & other certificates on the floor.” Said My Farouk,my neighbor. “They’re right here. Job hunting I guess. It was a bad fall, hopefully you’ll be fine soon. What we go through to get a job”

So there I was, on my way to the hospital, with my boules bleues. What the English call Blue Balls. The next time I ran into Titi was in 3 weeks. She was walking with a dude whom she introduced to me as her boyfriend and seconds later they walked away… Arm in arm…towards her crib. He looked & obviously was over 18.
😦

Copyright© 2012 http://www.theinsanephenom.wordpress.com

  1. FIRST!!!!!!! Of cos the story is false. Just in case y’all were wondering… 😐

    • Jemjem
    • July 12th, 2012

    LWKM!!!!! sweetie!!! Awwww!!! Buhahahahahaha!!

    • Bosun
    • July 12th, 2012

    LOOOL.. Imbe. Why did you have to ruin it by commenting first.

  2. FUCK YOU NIGGA!!!!! Hahahahahah!!

    • banji
    • July 12th, 2012

    Fuck u Chyk.

    • KareemXCIII
    • July 12th, 2012

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! As they always say – “Agro na Bastard”…. I can’t even breathe. Nice post RJ!

    • trafels
    • July 12th, 2012

    That outrageous lie? She’s definitely blonde….No?

    • ikhizama
    • July 12th, 2012

    #1. First I brought out my birth certificate then my NYSC certificate. And then I thought it would be wise to carry my CV along. Agro, as they say, has an unknown male parent. Na bastard.

    • @MissNickiMaraj
    • July 12th, 2012

    LOOOOOL! Ha! Not good 😦 Pele.

    • Verb
    • July 12th, 2012

    LMAO!! Evils straight from the pit of hell. Smh.

    • khalilabdul
    • July 12th, 2012

    Weak pussy nigga,modey won’t condone weak nigga tales

    • whiz2k2
    • July 12th, 2012

    U ran 4rm her houuuse to urw to get ur NYSC certificate? *sigha. Fed 4 u balla. 😦

    • AZ33Z
    • July 12th, 2012

    LMAOOO….

    • okem
    • July 12th, 2012

    Hahaha..I’m. Tired of dis. Kid

    • Daisy
    • July 12th, 2012

    Lol… Chike, I woulda said you should come over let’s fix that boules bleues seeing that I’m a doc and stuff (._. ) But it is all fiction so we good. :*

    • What?!! No no no… Daisy, I swear the story is true. I can show u the scars on my hands. Its a true story 😥 😥

  3. Chyke!!!! LoooL. . . . I’m actually laughing out loud. . . .
    “Agro, as they say, has an unknown male parent. Na bastard” <—– inspired line right there.
    Thumbs up for days

  4. LMAOOOOOOOOOOO! RJ has lost it again oh. Oh you poor child! I feel bad for you. LMAOO! What niggaz do to get laid. Hope this would make niggaz stop lying. LOOOOOL!

    • Mafioso
    • July 12th, 2012

    Hahahahahahahahaha. Mad perverted lad would have smashed that. Nice. I think I’m gonna continue my blog cos of this post

    • Bambi
    • July 12th, 2012

    Lmao RJ I’m fed for you

    • Dea
    • July 12th, 2012

    LOOOOOL…All i have to say is I shouldn’t have read this in the office. I really hope this didn’t happen. Ndo.

    • Mobola
    • July 12th, 2012

    Lmfao….nice post mehn.Fucking hilarious!!

    • Bashyrah
    • July 12th, 2012

    LOOOOOOL!!! I am sorry for you. Smh…

  5. Thingz we do for ballz

  6. chyk u eh! sighhhh

    • sholly
    • July 13th, 2012

    Sad 😦

    • Frankices
    • July 13th, 2012

    Nah ah! There is no way this story is real. I refuse to believe that “it” is that important.

    Enjoyed. (Y)

  7. Choi!

    How evil can life be?

    Bitch!

  8. Loooooool.
    Taah! The story is real jor. Don’t be forming bad goiz.

    • weird_oo
    • July 18th, 2012

    Lesson No. 1. Never lie about your age.
    😛

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