A NIGGER IN NIGER (VOLUME 1)

It was a dark evening on the 28th of October (2010 obviously) & I was making my way to the NYSC bathroom for a hot shower. Okay, who am I kidding? The toilets & bathrooms were f*cked & the weather was hotter than Satan’s nuts so I had to take my bath with cold water, outside & with a bucket. (Who dash me shower for camp?! Mcheew). Anyways I had just successfully finished a soccer tryout for my platoon & judging by that pic of me kissing a trophy, my effort wznt wasted. Nwais, it was bout 7:00pm & I was carrying a bucket of water to the back of the hostels to have my bath when I passed two grown men (Corpers as well) arguing. One was having his bath while the oda was looking for a nice spot to have his.

Corper A: Why u dey shine light on top my d*ck???

Corper B: Na Y u dey shout. Na by mistake jor & no be say the d*ck big sef

Corper A: Oga no be by size jor, bring ur mama come, she go scream my name.

Corper B: U no fit make me scream, not to talk of my mama.

Corper A: Come na… walahi, I gon nak shege comot from ur body.

I bliv y’all know who Travis Barker is. The great drummer from Blink 182. You know hw fast he beats his drum, yea? Now that’s how fast my heart was beating. I mean WTF??!! 2 guys (man & man… male & male… however u want to put it) bragging bout naking each other like it was an arm wrestling match they were talking bout. SMH. Nwais, I quickly recited Psalm 23 V 4 & walked away. Now, I found myself standing next to a weird dude who was buck naked but wasn’t bathing yet. I thought bout the worst scenario (rape) but I figured “WTH, we’z all boys”. So I took of my clothes, poured water on my booty body and started scrubbing myself. PS.I swear on my next gurlfrend’s left boob, IDIDN’T start by scrubbing my nutz. As I was bathing the worst thing ever happened. My soap dropped. Mehn, I was too scared to pick it up. I mean, after all the episodes of Boondocks that I’ve watched & those two weird bastards I passed earlier ‘afraid’ bn catch me o. After contemplating for 5 seconds (that seemed like 5 minutes) I was lyk, aint nothing gon happen to my Anambra ass jor. As I reached for my innocent looking dettol soap, the freak beside me brought out a black nylon & did the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed. He squatted & … &… lemme sugar coat it a lil bit by saying I witnessed an Olympic event (Shot-put). Twas totally disgusting. 3 weeks without a Super bowl. All we had was a ‘super hole’ (Go Figure) & the bushes.

*Deep Sigh from the heart* I remember how hard I laughed when I opened my deployment letter & it said “Niger State”. What cracked me up the most was when I opened my Primary Assignment posting letter & saw “Federal Polytechnic”. LMAO! I mean, I’m just 17 & they expect me to lecture pips that are in their late 20s.LMFAOO. I did what any responsible Nigerian would do & paid a couple of guys off to change that ish. Now, my 2months in & out of Niger State has taught me 4 things.

1. Northerners can be very nice. I mistakenly left my phone in a cab one day & d battery died. The cab dude bought a charger, charged the phone & called my mum so I could come & pick it up. I mean, that’s like the nicest thing ever. God shall reward that man. Amen.

2. Northerners can be daft ehn. Imagine this lil convo I had with an okada man on the 6th of this month & I swear I didn’t make this up.

Me: Psssst… Okada… stop… How much to Mr Biggs?

Okada Guy: Inside or outside?

Me: Buhahahahahaha

Okada Guy: Mei ya faru? (Hausa for “what happened”)

Me: Oga. Shey u wan enter INSIDE Biggs with ur Bike ni?! … Buhahahaha … SMH

Sad story I tell you.

3. Educated female northerners can be super sexy ehn. Very fresh skin. I think its educated muslims & Hausas generally sha. They’re always fresh & fine but the ones wey war-war ehn,na die.

4. As “Pyramids” are to Egypt & as “Trophy Cabinet Dust” is to Arsenal so is “Yam” to Niger state. ‘Em niggers got more Yams than my best friend. :X

Mehn, it’s a funny world out (t)here in Niger State. I remember the day I was in a cab & a dude beside me (who was on the phone) said “Pork You”. I laughed so hard bout 3 seconds later when I realized he meant “Fuck You”. U know their whole “P” & “F” ish. It really is a funny world out (t)here. Ok Imagine, the cab fare to Minna from Abuja is N1,050… *awkward silence* … dyu get?! Well, neither do I. For Pete’s sake, why is that extra “N50” there?! I think I’lld rather pay N1,500 than N1,050 (Ok,Chike u sef calm down na… ahn ahn). The state is dead o. They only sell alcohol in army barracks & NYSC camps cos it’s a sharia state. They have only one TV station. The reigning song there is “Anoti” & they still don’t know DaGrin & Yar’Adua are dead. However, I have taken it upon myself to find a northern wife over the next 10months. Sharia state my foot. I am an Eminem fan. I am NOT afraid!!!

Now, this last paragraph is kinda filled with emotions… LOOL… Smh, that was just too fruity. *Slaps self* Ok, I got rejected at the 2nd place I got posted to (Board of Internal Revenue) i.e. after I declined going to lecture at the polytechnic. @Louis_The_XIII was there the day I got rejected. I mean… its no big deal in getting rejected but there’s a big deal in getting rejected BY A DEAD OFFICE. I swear down Zeem (@Louis_The_XIII) can confirm this next part. A crippled beggar managed to find his way to the top floor to beg. Now that’s a dead office. A Mei Kiffi (Fish Seller) was knocking on doors asking for people to buy her fish. That’s the office they rejected ME from. Don’t get it twisted, I’m a humble mo’facker but fuck humility here mehn. I should be given an office for being there alone. A whole me *Beats chest*… A whole me!! Mei Kiffi. Mei Kiffi. In fact, I’m pissed. I’m ending this post. KMFT!!!

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