New Track: GOOD & EVIL By @VerbalReasoning

Good & Evil By Verb

Good & Evil By Verb

It was my final year in the university and at the time I thought rappers were just a bunch of fools saying crap and that they weren’t making music at all, I was a huge fan of sounds i.e. celestial-sounding instruments, extra-terrestrial voices and technical singing abilities which is kinda gay now lol, seeing that I’m a rapper and I’m supposed to be hard and all, I mean most rappers just go on about how they shot someone when they were 16 or got shot nine times (most of which are lies) but yh it paid off listening to all that stuff ‘cos I believe it helped me mould the craft properly, sound-wise.

But well yeah, somehow I became friends with some guys who were huge Hip-Hop/Rap fans, I started listening to rap, Lil Wayne to be precise and at the time dude used to spit volcanoes, asin hot flows x_x yeah I know lame punchline, rappers do that for some kinda rehabilitation therapy from all that dope stuff they spit and live on, lol. Back to the story, so I discovered that these niggaz (rappers) are some intelligent dudes, like the metaphors and the wordplay just drew me in, it was mind-blowing, so it happened that some nigga called Fpyme (S/O Fpryme) invited me to a rap group on facebook called RUN Basement where they exchanged bars and dissed each other just so I’d be like some sorta weak-link for him to maltreat Λ well I dropped my first post and trust me it was some bullshit!, damn it stinks so bad now man, I was saying some shit about me being an anomaly and that kinda thing, yo it sucked a great deal and I’m so ashamed of myself lol, but all the same it was necessary, Mr. Fpryme took shots at me and that marked the beginning of the present day Verb, I upped ma game and went in and scattered the zone, niggaz on the group saw me and were like yo, you dropped some hot shit bro, you know that kina shit you drop after eating a big bowl of ewa goyin?, that’s right, that kinda hot shit. Okay back to the topic again, now this so called hot shit I was dropping that made boys hail me as a dope lyricist is actually some bullshit right now, took me years to realise, I mean, myself JR and RJ(blog-host) used to be highly respected and we never took shots at each other, but now we realise that a lot of what we wrote back then was crap yo, I mean I said something line a Mikano generator one time and trust me if I say it, you’ll most likely lose faith in me rightaway, so I’ma just keep it a secret between my friends and I, feel me?…so yh there were some lines that were halfway wack and halfway good like “I’m holding the golden totem, you’re holding my golden cloth’s hem”, yo that’s some wack/dope shit..I don’t wanna think about the past, I’ll just end up being semi depressed and amused by myself. To cut the long story short, it’s been a long time coming and I have been working on my craft, released a coupla songs here and there and I have a new one out for you Mosieur RJ-fans lol… I hope you like it, follow the link below to download it.

Click Here To Download

2012
12/20
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
1 comment

The Wrong Flight

In 2009 my hommie Tish & I were rounding up our final year projects back in RUN and (as every responsible young student always did) we scammed our parents for project-funds while we did all the necessary research & got all the necessary articles online… for free… with the school Wifi… which was also free… but slow. When we were almost done with our projects we discovered that collectively we had 190stacks stashed up in our accountS. Emphasis on the “s” cos it wasn’t a joint account. Separate accounts yo. We ain’t gay. Aii, so we decided to take a trip to Calabar to go hook up with our nigga, Fony, who was schooling there. We were hoping he would hook us up with some bad ass bitches. So this Thursday afternoon we took a cab from school to gidi airport. Tish went to buy tickets while I settled the cab man & headed straight for the toilet. I had beans earlier in the day. Ye don’t laugh. The lil billy goat should have paid more attention in his Geography classes. He bought tickets to Rivers state instead of Cross-River. Shii didn’t even occur to me cos I felt he had that covered. Well, little did we know that was the beginning of our horrible weekend. We only noticed it when we were on the plane & the dude behind us asked the air hostess “Madam, any idea if there’s still light rainfall in PH like the news reported earlier?” We didn’t panic though. Remember we had money. When we touched down we immediately called Fony & explained what happened. Told him we would be getting to Calabar the next day instead.

We inquired about where we could get a cheap but nice hotel. We were directed to a certain Princeville Hotel & we went there. We got 2 rooms. Awesome & very comfy rooms. So in order not to look like two lonely ass masturbaters/faggets we decided to go look for chics. We strolled to a nearby lounge, bought two bottles of beer each & started surveying the area. PH girls. Mehn, I should have known. Two girls strolled past us & one winked at Tish. They passed again & the second one winked at Tish before they went ahead & sat on their table. I ain’t gon front I was burning inside with jealously. I mean, why the fuck wasn’t I getting a wink? Well, soon I got one. Their friend,a third girl, seated with them winked at me. So Tish & I stood & went to meet them at their table. That was all the green light we needed. We talked & laughed, ordered more drinks & grilled fish. They really were cool girls. The two that walked past us earlier were digging Tish. He jokingly brought up the idea of a threesome & they said they were down for whatever. Their friend seemed to genuinely like me though. She had a mean ass. I wanted to buss. That’s all that mattered. We all stood up & asked them to come join us at the hotel where we were staying & they agreed. Tish & his girls were ahead of us by some feet. Just then my phone rang, it was Fony. He wanted to know how we were doing.

“We having a great night bro… ain’t nothing to worry ‘bout. We’ll see tomorrow” I said & cut the call. Little did we know what we were in for in the next 2 hours of our lives.

***Tish’s 2hrs***
So Tish took those two chics back to his hotel room. I guess it was his first time having a threesome so he didn’t know how to go about it. Homeboy actually allowed them girls cuff him to a bed, apparently he thought it was part of their ongoing foreplay. Next thing, them bitches flipped. They robbed ma nigga Tish blind mehn. Took every freaking thing he had. Everything. They even called for backup (a big dude) to help ‘em take the stuff away. Before they left, they asked Tish for the password to his laptop which, of course, was part of the things they were stealing. Now there was this inside “joke” I started back in 2008. I used “Lailai” as the password to my laptop so when niggas asked to use my laptop & requested for the password I’ll say “lailai” to make myself seem greedy when I was in fact generous. Now Tish figured it out & started using “lailai” as his password as well. Aii, back to our story. So when these girls & the big dude asked Tish for his password, homeboy figured it was a great moment to ride the joke. Smart guy.
“lailai”
“Are you crazy? Tell us the password or we’ll deal with you”
“Lailai”
“Last chance. Abi Margaret, this chinco boy thinks we’re playing. If you don’t tell us the password you’ll regret it. What is it?”
“Lailai”
The two girls left the room, leaving the big guy behind with Tish. As close as Tish & I are, dude still hasn’t told me what happened after those girls left. All I can remember was that weeks later some random person was like “Omoh, Tish make una two go model. Una fit blow oh” and Tish was like “Are you mad??? Don’t ever say that again”.

***My 2hrs***
I felt this chic & I really hit it off. We had a very very long talk. Lasted for bout 2(two) minutes then I got bored. She told me she owned a small boutique around the corner (she was actually a sales girl there as I later found out) & wanted to pick up some things then head back to the hotel with me. I was fucking high. We were. We laughed & staggered as we made our way to “her” boutique. We got there, she opened up the store, turned on the light & opened a drawer to pick some stuff. I just went for it. I walked up to her & kissed her. She kissed back. T’was intense. Or I probably was just high & it was a bleh kiss. Either ways, I was about to get some. I lay her on the floor & hit one of my signature moves, the left brassiere-pop/tittie-suck move She was moaning. I took my pants off & then she immediately told me turn off the light. My ESP told me it was a bad idea but then she convinced me. Said she didn’t want passersby seeing/watching us. I stood up, hit the switch & came back to the same spot she was then… you know… I started fucking her. Or rather, I started fucking “her”. I mean, her body had become hard. She wasn’t moving. She wasn’t moaning. Her Vjayjay seemed to be bruising my Colonel but I just figured I was just high & my dick game was off for that night. I kept pounding. My Colonel kept hurting. She just lay there. (E)motionless. I came. Then I pulled out & lay on my back & asked how it was. I got no reply. I asked again. No reply. I got up & ran to hit the switch immediately. My pants that had my phones, cash, wallet & all that was gone. But that was the least of my problems. The least yo. I had just had unprotected premarital sex with a mannequin.

Copyright© 2012 http://www.theinsanephenom.wordpress.com

2012
09/15
CATEGORY
False tales bout true life stories
My Life!
30 comments

20LEGEND

Posted this on Terdoh’s blog bout a month ago…

“Even if you only saw it on TV, you don’t much like football, and can’t even stand Manchester United, it was a two minute miracle you will tell your grandchildren about. The final 120 seconds of the 1999 European Cup Final in Barcelona were simply the most breathtaking in sporting history. The two minutes transcended sport. It was an object lesson in life. What those late goal scorers, Sheringham and Solskjaer and 11 other players achieved in those moments inspired me. Because of those two minutes, I will always know that if you keep trying, you can succeed.”- Jonathan Margolis Daily Mail

It was May 26th in 1999 at Noun Camp in Spain, venue for the Champions league finals between Bayern Munchen & Manchester United. Few minutes left for Pierluigi Collina to blow his whistle and put the Man Utd players and fans out of their Misery… and allow Bayern, who had been in front since the 6th minute, lift the trophy. UEFA president, Lennart Johansson, made his way into the dressing room were the UCL trophy was being decorated & the words “BAYERN MUNCHEN CHAMPIONS 1999″ were about to be engraved on the trophy. As Mr. Lennart Johansson stepped out the tunnel he was bemused. “What just happened? Why are the champions crying & the losers rejoicing?” he said. Little did he know that he had just missed the greatest 120seconds in the history of Champions League football. “I can’t believe it!” he replied after being told what happened. Oh what happened within the 120seconds he was in there? I’ll need a book to explain that but I’ll summarize.

Bayern had led for over 80mins of the match through a Mario Basler freekick & had dominated a Man Utd side who were without key central midfielders Paul Scholes & Roy Keane due to suspension. They hit the United woodwork twice so it was pretty obvious they owned the match. Two substitutes were thrown in by Sir Alex Ferguson in a move of total desperation. England’s Teddy Sherignham & the Norwegian popularly called “The Baby Faced Assassin” & “Super-Sub”, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. It was end of 90mins & Pierluigi Collina had instructed that 3mins be added for stoppages. In the first min of stoppage time Teddy Sheringham equalized for Man Utd after a corner was poorly cleared and sent back into the box by Ryan Giggs. Bayern players were both perplexed & filled with fury. They had to endure another 30mins with these men. Both coaches started drawing up plans on how to claim victory in the 30mins extra time about to be played BUT The Baby Faced Assassin had other ideas & forced Bayern to concede a corner in the 3rd minute of stoppage time. Beckham ran to take the corner kick and the entire crowd held their breath as Beckham placed the ball on the ground and took some few steps back. . . “Is this their moment. It’s Beckham…In to Sheringham.. AND SOLSKJAER HAS WON IT. Manchester United has reached the promise land. Ole Solskjaer. The two substitutes have scored the two goals in stoppage time” screamed the emotional commentator as the Norwegian grabbed a late winner and immediately slid across the turf mimicking Mario Basla’s earlier celebration. The Bayern players were stunned. Some slumped & started weeping. Hearts were broken. Referee Pierluigi Collina literally had to drag some Bayern players, who were filled with nothing but utter despair, to see out the remaining seconds of the game. Those 120 seconds have been ranked the 4th greatest moment in Sports History by Channel 4.

That was the moment Solskjaer stole the joy of the Bayern Munchen fans & the hearts of the Red Devils’. Oh now you know why his first name is “Ole”. The significance of his goal? Man Utd became the first club side to complete the Treble (UCL, FA Cup & the EPL), Alex Ferguson was knighted by my home girl Queen Lizzy & for the first time in my real-nigga life, I wept. Tears of joy, people. Watching it now still gets me mushy. Relieving those moments while George Frideric Handel’s “Messiah” plays in the background. Watching Samuel Kuffour weep like a baby while punching the floor in pure misery. Watching the 6ft4 Carsten Jancker collapse in anguish while weeping, (though not as much as Kuffour, Kuffour must have bet his wife on that match). Watching the young Neville brothers, Phil & Gary, run around together, offering sarcastic consolation to the Bayern players & seeing them get rejected. Bliss. Funny what a goal can do. That curly haired Norwegian lil bastard.

This is the common reason why Solskjaer is being worshipped by Man Utd fans but that’s not really my reason. Mine came in April 1998 (I swear I’m really not that old, just started paying attention to sports details at an early age). Man Utd, 1st in the league & 1 point above Arsenal (Man Utd had played two games more) were up against Newcastle in a must win match. The score line was 1-1 after 90mins and Man Utd had a freekick. Throwing caution to the wind, the entire Man Utd team packed themselves in the Newcastle half as they attempted to grab a late winner but the move backfired & Newcastle’s Rob Lee broke & sprinted forward in a solo counter-attacking move. Just then Ole Gunnar Solskjaer who was about 10yards behind him started to run after him. Solskjaer knew he couldn’t make a clean tackle from his position, he knew Man Utd couldn’t afford to lose & he knew an emotional Lil RJ was somewhere in Africa pleading the blood of Jesus. What did he do? He cynically brought down Lee right in front of the penalty box, stood, hands akimbo & waited to be sent off. As he walked to the tunnel after receiving the red card, Man Utd fans around the stadium stood & applauded him. Dirty move, yes, but that was a man willing to give up anything, take the fall & ‘die’ for his team rather than watch them lose. A classic selfless act. That was the moment he became my hero.

I would love to tell you about the match were he came in as a sub and scored 4goals in 10mins (a feat YOUR favorite footballer of all time has/will NEVER done/do) but we’ll leave that for later. Now Solskjaer is retired & he’s the manager of his childhood club, Molde FK, and in his first season as manager he helped them win their first ever Norwegian League title in the club’s 100 years of existence. Yea, no big deal in that. Just one of those things a god does when he’s feeling bored.

“There have been greater players than Ole Gunnar Solskjaer in Manchester United, with all due respect, but in all my life I’ve never seen a player more loved by the fans than the Norwegian. There’s a reason for that” – Bryan Robson

2012
07/23
CATEGORY
Soccer
1 comment

Lord Of The Wing

“The first time I saw Giggsy, he was playing for Salford Boys against United’s apprentices. He was thin and wiry but he just glided past four of our apprentices as if they weren’t even there, then he put the ball in the back of the net. I just thought ‘This kid’s an absolute natural’” – Bryan Robson

John O’Shea’s beautiful chip over Manuel Almunia in the 2005 EPL fixture at Highbury between Arsenal and Man Utd marked the end of an incredible 7 Year rivalry between both teams. The match ended 4-2 with Man Utd getting all 3 points on that occasion. The departures of both skippers, Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira, later that year left both teams bereft of any intimidatory presence in the midfield and subsequently the rivalry was almost inactive with Man Utd largely dominant since then.

During those 7 years, fixtures between both teams were characterized by supreme competition, a bountiful supply of dramatic and heart-stopping moments and great entertainment especially for the neutrals. Highlights of those glorious 7 years include David Platt’s late, looping winner for Arsenal in 1997 (This goal actually sparked up the rivalry), Dwight Yorke’s hat-trick at Old Trafford in a 6-1 trashing, Ruud Van Nistelrooy’s magnificent solo goal in 2003. Thierry Henry’s majestic (and I mean MAJESTIC) flick and volley over Fabien Barthez at Highbury, Barthez’ (again) double error and gift to Henry at Highbury, Sylvain Wiltord’s winner at Old Trafford in 2001/2002, the Martin Keown-led baiting of Van Nistelrooy by The Invincibles. Multiple clashes between Roy Keane and Patrick Vieira AND…. Ryan Giggs’ mesmeric FA Cup semi-final extra-time winner in 1999 which birthed the phrase “Giggs: Tearing You Apart Since 99″.

Ah! That match, hearts were broken, mended and re-broken. The first match had ended goal-less which resulted in a replay a few days  later. Dennis Bergkamp equalized for the Gunners in the 69th minute after David Beckham had opened the scoring for the Red Devils in the first half. Both excellent goals. Captain Roy Keane was sent off after he received a second yellow card and Man Utd was left to play with 10 men for the remaining match. With a few minutes remaining Anelka slotted in a goal from close range after Peter Schmeichel failed to hold on to a Dennis Bergkamp shot. The stadium erupted. The teenage Anelka ran to the fans and celebrated with them,the rest of his teammates and Wenger joining in immediately. The celebration lasted for about 10seconds and after the Arsenal players were done celebrating they turned around and saw the Man Utd players smiling and pointing to the linesman. The goal had been ruled offside and (of course) disallowed. After the (usual) confrontation with the linesman and the Ref, play resumed. With few seconds of the regular 90minutes left it happened…. Phil Neville brought down Ray Parlour in the penalty box and the ref pointed to the spot. This was one  of the rare moments in football, nobody protested the penalty. I mean, the Uruguayans even protested the Penalty at the 2010 WorldCup after Luiz Suarez pulled a “HandS Of God” move. The Arsenal fans and players held their breath as Dennis Bergkamp picked the ball up, placed the ball on the PK spot, took a few steps back, ran forward and kicked the ball…. (At this moment I’ll just like to say my Birthday is on the 24th of next month and imma be expecting gifts yo, not just shout-outs on twitter)…. And Peter Schmeichel saved it. it just seemed impossible to get another goal past the great Dane. Phil Neville immediately ran to him and said “Thank You”. Extra-Time. Arsenal optimistically continued to press forward. They believed it was just a matter of time before Utd’s 10 men broke. Second half, and Patrick Vieira who was with the ball in the center of the pitch gave a wrong pass to his right which was picked up by Mr. Ryan Joseph Giggs, and he immediately got possessed by a demon called Untanglodis, the same spirit responsible for entagling your earpiece when it’s left in your pocket. As he picked up the ball Dwight Yorke moved to the left of the pitch and Paul Scholes ran to the penalty box, both with the intention of creating options for Ryan Giggs who was already doing some damage but that’s the thing about Untanglodis, its evil and very focused. Its main aim, to single-handedly cause pain and that was exactly what Giggs did. He dribbled past Vieira and the entire Arsenal defense that included Lee Dixon, Martin Keown and in my opinion the best English center-back in the last two decades, Tony Adams, before striking the ball with his left foot beyond the reach of David Seaman into the roof of the net.

It was 11-seconds of pure brilliance. Ryan Giggs pulled his shirt (revealing his extremely hairy chest… uggh) and celebrated. The fans ran wild. Some ran onto the pitch to celebrate. Man Utd assistant manager, Steve McLaren, stood still in shock. Emotionless. He obviously couldn’t believe it. An amazing goal that eventually got voted as the greatest goal in FA Cup history. It was at that moment that Giggs cemented his place as arguably the best Left winger to ever play the beautiful game. Tireless runs, the ability to create goal opportunities, beautiful crosses, great ease with turning right-backs inside out, great leadership on and off the pitch. A few qualities the Welsh man possesses. Listing his awards and achievements would be both mind-blowing and a bit of a bore because it goes on and on and on. From his record of 271 EPL assists to his “Greatest Player in EPL History” award to his record of 900+ appearances (with no red-cards) for Man Utd. Truly, the man is an amazing being. With no plan to retire just yet he will continue to create/smash records and when he does decided to call it a day one can only assume Wikepedia.org will have to create a separate page for his list of awards and records set.

“This is embarrassing to say but I have cried twice in my life watching a football player. The first one was Maradona and the second was Ryan Giggs.” – Alessandro Del Piero

2012
07/23
CATEGORY
Soccer
11 comments

Boules Bleues

“Seven-Eight-Seven-Eight-Nine-Eight” I muttered to myself as I typed those same numbers- a cheat-code – on my Nokia Torchlight phone and began to play ‘Bounce’ while walking around the estate. I had been soliquizing for about two hours. I thought I was losing it but then a voice in my head assured me I was ok. It had been a pretty fucked couple of months for me. Man Utd, Boston Celtics and Netherlands all screwing up in the sporting world, Ted Mosby still not revealing who his fucking wife was/is & having to wait till September for the 5th Season of Sons Of Anarchy to begin. Life truly was messed up. Perhaps I was too engrossed in my thoughts that I failed to notice the hot chic standing in front of me. I’m not gon’ lie & say she was a goddess, a mixture of Eva Mendez & Meagan Good but she sure was stunning. I’ll say an 8

“Excuse me, you might wanna watch your steps. You almost bumped into that Ford” she said. She spoke with an African American type-accent.
“Thanks” I halted. “I probably should. Too much on my mind” I gave a fake smile. My penis gave a genuine smile. You know they say it takes a guy 1 second to know if he could smash a chic, yes, that’s why my penis smiled.
“Girl-problem I guess, I can tell by the way you were texting” she said & gave a smile.
“Nah, haha… not girl problem. Having problems with this E-banking but its sorted out” I lied trying to sound a lil more mature but then I realized you couldn’t browse with that Nokia torchlight. Luckily I had both of my phones in my hands so I was safe. She told me her name

“Titilayo. But I’ll rather be called Titi. It’s what I’ve been called since I was a baby.”

She was taking her evening walk so we did that together. We swapped stories. She grew up in Ibadan but spent the last 12 years of her life in DC. She was done with college & only returned to Nigeria for her NYSC ‘cos she figured she would need it someday if she ever wanted to settle here. She was 25. Her ass was 28, in its prime. I told her I was 17. A no-pimpled modafucker like me could easily get away with that lie. I was kidding of course. That was the beginning of my woes. She thought I was serious.

“Well, 17, 2 two more years left in college and you’ve got a summer job, I’m impressed. I must say you’re really ambitious. I love that in a man”
Green light. I started flirting with her heavily. Cracked all the jokes I had stashed. After a while she brought up an issue about her senior bro who spent sometime in jail for having sex with an under-aged chic back in DC and said having sex with anyone below 18 was a mistake she would never make. Stupid me forgot I lied to her bout my age. We talked and talked and after a long walk we got to the front of her crib. We exchanged numbers and I headed home.

Days later I was coming back from work, a bit tired, hungry and angry as a muther. I just got down from my cab when I heard my name and turned.

“Hey Chyk…” It was Titi. She was in her NYSC outfit. “Woah! You look pissed. Bad day at the office I guess.” “Yea” I replied as I paid the cab driver and turned to walk towards her. “Bad day. Plus I’m starving. Haven’t eaten since last night. Woke up kinda late this morning so I had to skip breakfast”. “I see. Sorry bout that. You could come over and have lunch and DON’T say no”. Just what I needed. I smiled, thanked her and followed her.

“Make yourself at home” she pointed to the couch and tossed her remote control at me as we got the living room. “My folks aint gon’ be back till 10 I guess. Give me a second while I fix somn’ for you to eat” and she left. I left alone. Hungry. And I was starting to get horngry. I was flipping through the channels when she reemerged.
“Umm, Chyk.Vega…?” I honestly would be a fagget if I remembered what she said. She had changed into a bum short and this very revealing red tank top. My penis spoke up.
“I want you” then I paused. Who the fuck says that. But it seemed to work. She walked over to me, bent over and kissed me. I kissed back. Next thing we were all over her couch. Taking off each other’s clothes, dying to have each other at that moment. We were like two randy dogs. I was sucking on her titties, gently and running my hands down her thighs then she gently spread her legs and whispered “take me”. My penis smiled.

“Chyk… Chyk… HELLO! CHYK!!”
I startled and shook my head. I was with the remote control in my hand and staring right at Titi who was at the other end of the living room.
“Umm, Chyk I asked ‘Vegan?’ Wanted to know if u eat meat and then you kinda blanked out for 20 seconds or so”.
“My… My bad. Yes. I mean no. Not a vegetarian. I eat meat. I was umm” “Thinking of me?” She said confidentally and smiled. Damn she looked so sexy. She walked over to me, leaned over and gave me a soft kiss. I pinched myself. It was for real this time. She raised her head and said
“You’re a great guy. Only reason I would invite you into my house in the first place. I prolly woulda allowed you have me if you weren’t below 18. Heck I woulda poun…” “Excuse me.. Below 18? I’m 24. The other day, that was a joke.” “haha.. Sweetie, boys tell alota lies when they’re horny, I’m not falling for that” she wasn’t buying my real age. My penis was sad. I was horny as a muther & desperate. I had never been in this situation before now. Out of pure desperation I blurted out…
“What if I can prove I’m 24?” “wha..What? Come on sweetie it’s just sex. I’m sure they’re loads of girls you can call up. I’m just not ready for any court ca…” “Those laws don’t even exist in Nigeria here. For real, you can have sex with whomever”… she sighed. She probably was finding the whole thing weird and a bit irritating already “fine then. Prove it”.

I sprinted out of her house & started running to my own crib. Got to the door & rang the doorbell. A second later the door opened & I ran to my room. I hadn’t even given a thought to the bizarre shit I was doing. I brought out my box and started going through it. First I brought out my birth certificate then my NYSC certificate. And then I thought it would be wise to carry my CV along. Agro, as they say, has an unknown male parent. Na bastard. I mean all those certificates in my hands, it was like I was looking for a job. Well, come to think of it in a way I was, a blow job. I pulled out a bottle of alomo & a can of red bull I had stashed under the bed, mixed ‘em in a cup & gulped them fast. Maybe I had a reason for coming back home, to take that. Maybe the sex gods didn’t want me to fall my hand so they made a way for me to come back home first before shagging her. i took some breath mints and sprinted outa the room & out of the house… and then it happened. I tripped & fell face first. Next thing I knew I was in te backseat of a car with one my neighbors. I figured he was rushing me to the hospital. I had a severe cut on my left arm, little tiny pieces of glasses stuck in it & a semi-erection. Opportunity, gone.

“I saw your CV & other certificates on the floor.” Said My Farouk,my neighbor. “They’re right here. Job hunting I guess. It was a bad fall, hopefully you’ll be fine soon. What we go through to get a job”

So there I was, on my way to the hospital, with my boules bleues. What the English call Blue Balls. The next time I ran into Titi was in 3 weeks. She was walking with a dude whom she introduced to me as her boyfriend and seconds later they walked away… Arm in arm…towards her crib. He looked & obviously was over 18. :(

Copyright© 2012 http://www.theinsanephenom.wordpress.com

2012
07/11
CATEGORY
False tales bout true life stories
My Life!
40 comments

Starting 11

Greetings. El-Farooq back up in this beyoooootch. Shout out to the hommie RJ for letting me guest blog. First off, a nigga be reading so he be a lil bit off the radar, feel me? But now I’m back to say ignant shit as I always do. I mean, like someone said, I’m just a brat with internet access. Aii, straight to bidness for this post. It’s a starting 11 formation type-thing for 9ja music entertainers. Mainly rappers tho. I must say, this is pure jokes. PURE JOKES. I don’t want niggas running up on me and hitting me with the Stone Cold Stunner…

I don't want niggas doing this to me...

I don’t want niggas doing this to me…

I guess what I’m tryna say is None of this shii is serious. Just my usual ignant piece o’ shit. I wrote something similar here a while back, if u haven’t read it maybe you should do so here. Ok, starting 11…

Starting 11

Starting 11

Aii, Let me explain.
GOALIE (WIERD MC)
The primary objective of every keeper is to allow absolutely no balls into the net and let’s be honest, when u see Wierd MC, would you want to put your balls into her net? Do you want to hit that target? When you see Wierd MC do you wanna ‘Score’? No, right? Right. For this reason I suggest we keep her as our keeper.

RIGHT-BACK (JESSE JAGZ)
Skillful. Always good in getting foward and offering help to strikers. *looks at attackers… Nods head*. Versatile. Works hard while others take the glory but everybody knows you can’t do without him. Only album was in ’09 and errbody be asking the same question “When next will J.Jagz drop something new”… The reply, Four words … “I’ll be RIGHT BACK .. -_-

CENTER-BACK (KAHLI ABDU)
AKA Mighty Slim. Always got our back. Never afraid to tackle the different issues in the country. Doesn’t care about personal glory, all he wants is make sure the people are safe. Mature, composed but deep inside lies a beast. That’s Mighty Slim for you. Always there to defend the people against the oppressors. If ever there was a rap version of the Late Great Fela, it’ll be Mighty Slim.

CENTER-BACK: SWEEPER (KID-KONNECT)
Got a problem with your EP,LP or Mixtape? Then here’s the solution…. Kid Konnect. Always there to make things right on a musical project. Konnect’s beats are like photoshop, it can make anybody look good. I mean, if you can’t sound good on a Kid Konnect beat then please, exit the industry. The job of the sweeper is to take care of any mistake at the back, clear loose balls…. ***At this moment I’ll like to say that WAS NOT a pun. If you think that’s a joke Konnecting Kid and Loose Kaynon’s genitals then you should be ashamed of yourself. Bloody pervert.***.. As I was saying, the Center back and the Sweeper have a great understanding. Coincidentally, Kid Konnect and Mighty Slim have great musical chemistry between them. Am I good or what?

LEFT-BACK (CYRUS DA VIRUS)
Aii. So I heard a Cyrus Da Virus track a coupla weeks ago where nigga be getting all emotional and what not. “It Wasn’t Given To Me”. I hear you ladies love it when a man gets emotional so y’all might love him for this. Nigga be talmbout alota deep stuff…shii like how he was supposed to be the winner of the best new artist at Hip-Hop world award back in 2008. The nominees that year included M.I., Banky W, GT The Guitarman and the eventual winner, Wande Coal. No offense or nothing but looking at their careers right now, is it safe to say the others have all made it big and he got LEFT at the BACK? :|

DEFENSIVE MID-FIELDER (RUGGED-MAN)
Aii, check this out. This role used to be very important but the way the game is changing, this role is becoming less and less important. Teams would rather play with 2 Central Mid-fielders and an attacker in the middle than the old fashion diamond formation. Ok enough story. Bottom-line is, Rugged was useful back then, getting rid of Eedris and all ‘em wackos but now, to be honest, we don’t need no Rugged-Man. Ts’all I’m saying.

ATTACKING MID-FIELDER (M.I.)
The most important player on the pitch. The equivalent of American football’s Quarter-Back. The ultimate short caller. I’m sorry, shot caller. Knows all about the game, skillful, versatile, great entertainer, leader… *insert other washy attributes*.

RIGHT AND LEFT ATTACKING MID-FIELDER (D’BANJ & SAUCE-KID)
Most wingers are the most entertaining in any team. The Portuguese niggas, Nani, Quaresma (he’s still alive), Ronaldo (the 2005 Ronaldo at least), the Figos, Riberys, Silva etc. Great entertainers but still have a great knowlegde bout what it takes to hit the target/make hit records. Woulda added the Nigga Vic O to the list of entertainers but I have a feeling y’all aint gon forgive a nigga for that so imma just chill on that.

SUPPORTING STRIKER (TU-FACE)
Wait a minute, this is a mistake right here. The Top striker should be the one doing all the scoring. Tu-Face clearly is the best scorer in the music industry, worldwide. Okay, maybe T.I. and Little Wayne are better but u get my point. This is a terrible mix-up. Forgive me. Let’s leave Tu-Face here or rather let’s just assume we’re playing with 2 top nines.

TOP STRIKER (MODENINE)
I mean, it’s only right the Modenine is the Top 9 ain’t it? Always hits the target (Pause). Every defender’s nightmare. Great finisher (Rugged-Man can testify). As with every Top 9 he doesn’t pass (the mic, but we’re over that now). He would also be a good Defensive Striker, kinda like Rooney when Man Utd are protecting a single goal lead. I mean, his mixtape (Occupy The Throne) was really dope and all but all I kept hearing was “Imma block you”… “Fuck a follow back, imma block”… “Talk shit about me & imma block u”… So since he’s really into blocking, he’ll make a good Defensive Striker, right?

…………………………….
COACH (DJ JIMMY JATT)
Who would you rather have as coach? He’s perfect for the job. Been around the longest, knows everything ‘bout what it takes to make an impact in the entertainment industry. Definitely the right person to coach.

SUPER-SUB (BOOGEY)
If you’ve heard of this nigga right here then you’ll know he’s here to change the game. On Terry Tha Rapman’s mixtape he was a guest and he delivered superbly. Same great delivery was repeated when he was a guest on M.I.’s mixtape and Modenine’s as well. You know, if he wasn’t a rapper he would make a great surrogate mum…. You know, cos of…his…deliveries -___-

LINES-MAN (VECTOR)
I might not like him that much but I gotta admit, dude has lines. Some bleh, but he’s got loads of ‘em

REFEREE (DENRENLE)
Let’s be honest, which other person in the entertainment industry do you feel is ready to always ‘Blow’, 24/7? Queer ass nigga.

Aii peace.

Copyright© 2012 http://www.theinsanephenom.wordpress.com

2012
07/06
CATEGORY
CRAP!!
Soccer
30 comments

The C.S.L. Idols

El-Farooq: Aye yo wassup? Wassup? Wassup? It’s that ignant nigga El-Farooq here again. Been a while. The boy RJ AKA Mr. Birthmark On The Nut-sack has been running his RJ Show so I’ve had to step back for him but he be having writer’s block & shit like that so Imma take advantage of that & host my own version of the Idols show, the C.S.L. Idols. Now PLEASE NOTE THIS… the following contestants u’re about to see ARE NOT parodies of real life Nigerian rappers. I know some of you over intelligent mutherfuckers might be tryna equate that shit so before you get ur Sherlock on imma say this only once… DON’T TRY TO BE SMART & PUT ME IN TROUBLE. For example Larry Tha Rapman IS NOT a parody of Terry Tha Rapman. In fact I’ll twist shit up, like niggas that like wearing extra clothes, u know peeps that like wearing head warmers under the blazing sun, imma take their clothes off *Pause* just so I can confuse the shit outa you mutherfuckers. The pictures ain’t even gon match. Just saying mehn, cos I don’t want niggas running up on my family & shit. Now shoutout to the 3 judges we have… the big booty lovers @Alf_redd & @AZ33Z_ … and ma darling @Her_Gorgeousnes. Hey baby.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: hey sweetheart. Muaah.

El-Farooq: looking pretty. That’s a stunning dress.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: thanks Farooq. *Blushes*

El-Farooq: Aii. Let’s kick this off with our first contestant, Log-Head Man.

Log-Head Man: *Walks In* morning.

*All 3 Judges gasp*

@AZ33Z_: Morning. You know for a rapper u really could use a wrapper right now… ( ._.) Go ahead & show us what u got.

Log-Head Man: I’m fly & I’m the shit. So these haters see me & say “shoooo”/ My lyrics touch your soul(sole) that’s why I dey sell Shoe/ Fools say “u can diss 9yse but u didn’t reply Muud 9”/ call me Justin Timberlake cos I’ll do that ‘in time’/ All these internet gangstas see me & see success so they always stay bitter/ that’s why they hating on a nigga when I said imma verify my account on twitter

@AZ33Z_:Horrible.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: Horrible.

@Alf_redd: leave the stage. Now. NEXT!!!!

El-Farooq: wow. That’s 3 Nos. Ok. We have the next big thing. Dope ass rapper. S.O. Kenedoe.

S.O. Kenedoe: *Walks in* Morning my people.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: hmm. A tall man. I’m in love already.

@Alf_redd: well, don’t let that distract u.

@AZ33Z_: show us what u got sir.

S.O. Kenedoe: ahaaa!! Yo it’s the CSL idols/ the god can’t be idle/ I’ll make you judges bow to me like ur forefathers did to idols/ I’m here to clear my rivals/ make way for the king’s arrival/ I’ll spray ur chiefs with foreign currency… igwe dollar/ they be watching the throne so I’ll be shooting guards like Andre Iguodala/ take ur ho, cos imma dull her, cos nobody send her/ thoughts pour into my head when I’m outside Bradley Center.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: *Phew* my head o. Nice lines. Some I don’t understand tho. *Brings out encyclopedia*

@Alf_redd: cool. But I don’t like that Igwe dollar line. WTF??

@AZ33Z_: All these lines wey dey fly over my head sef. please explain “thoughts pour into my head when I’m outside Bradley Center.”

S.O. Kenedoe: you see. Bradley Center is the Arena of NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks. So “thoughts pour into my head when I’m outside Bradley Center” means “I’m thinking outside the bucks(box).” Get it??

@AZ33Z_: ??????? why didn’t you just say… I mean how is a normal person supposed to breakdown the in…… arrggghhh. NO for me.

@Alf_redd: I feel he’s dope. Tho didn’t like some lines but he’s cool. YES for me.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: Definitely a YES for me. Loved it.

El-Farooq: well people, S.O. Kenedoe has made it into the next round. #SOCountry. Next up is Larry Tha Raman.

Larry Tha Rapman: SYBT be dissing me on their blog. Today na today/ imma make the Sho(w) stop, wait who the fuck is Tunde?/ Tha stupid RJ be talking shii as well/ oh Tunde is the jonzer that has crush on Kel/ call me a fagget cos imma blow them below the belt/ beat them so bad they ain’t gon be saying trash about Larry Tha Rapman/ make them scared so when they see me they’ll scream “OMOH, THIS LARRY DEY RAP MEHN”. Best rapper alive.

El-Farooq: *Phone rings… picks phone* Yo Sho, wat e do?

@Showontstop: I’m kicking. Yo I’m watching this Show on TV and all I wanna say is tell Larry to stop calling himself Best Rapper alive. *hangs up*

@Alf_redd: LOOOL. No for me sha.

@AZ33Z_: Yes for me. Liked the venom u had.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: “call me a fagget cos imma blow them below the belt”? Seriously? *Turns to @AZ33Z_* u seriously wanna endorse this?

@AZ33Z_: haha… no o. take that line out & …

Larry Tha Rapman: fuck ur verdict. *walks out*

El-Farooq: wow. That was odd. Ok now, we have our first female. The beautiful Kumachi.

@Her_Gorgeousnes: *eherm*

El-Farooq: oh camaan, darl. U’re my one & only besides I didn’t say nada when u waz flirting with S.O. Kenedoe (._. )

Kumachi: Body of a goddess, mind of a hustler/ if u know any diva better than me go ahead and call her/ they hating on me cos I spend dollars & pop my collar/ fuck it. u guys must be nuts no kola. Niggas be….

@Alf_redd: what tha fuck? That line….

Kumachi: Niggas be talking sht that they iz the rap Michael Jordan on the Mic mehn/ I’m a mixture of Kareem, Kobe & Larry Bird, I better pass the Mike mehn.

@Alf_redd: emi? Telling me to pass the mic? Do you know how old I am? I’ve been bumping hip-hop since 1974. Who the fuck is u?

@Her_Gorgeousnes: Alfred. I think she meant Mike as in Michael Jordan not Mic. She was speaking pidgin. “I’m a mixture of Kareem, Kobe & Larry Bird, I better pass the Mike mehn”. As in, if u add up those 3, that’s who she is & that’s better than anybody claiming to be Mike Jordan.

@AZ33Z_: LMAO!! Baba don take am p oh.

@Alf_redd: oh! Ma bad. I thought she was disrespecting a nigga. Well, just cos I misunderstood & u interrupted me to continue rapping… NO!!

@Her_Gorgeousnes: haba, well, NO for me too. Ain’t feeling u. Sorry.

@AZ33Z_: Nope. You’re sexy & all but… No.

El-Farooq: sad. I loved her but then… it’s the JUDGES that have the final say Ms. Kumachi. Well then, our last contestant we have the First lady, Gasha D.

Gasha D: The first lady is here so go ahead & blast ur trumpets/ I’m the rugged queen of this jungle & but live posh like Donald Trump’s pet

El-Farooq: Huh?

Gasha D: R.I.P. to my brother DaGrin, imma spit some lines in Yoruba/ I saw the real u jumping on okada/ haha ko so wo, ode fewo prada

@Her_Gorgeousnes: What’s happening here?

Gasha D: 9ja’s rap queen I own the throne/ I’ll do a Roy Delap on my rivals, they will all get thrown.

El-Farooq: Excuse me, we have a Skype call from Hon. Obahiagbon. *clicks remote*

What comportment of unadulterated 4 edged eating utensil are u spewing?

El-Farooq: *sad face* for those who didn’t understand… he means “what manner of pure (fork)fuckery is coming outa your mouth” -_-

@Her_Gorgeousnes: nah! I can’t take this. *walks out*

@AZ33Z_: We too bro. this ain’t what we signed up for. *walks out with @Alf_redd*

El-Farooq: madam, lock office when u finish ur “audition”.

*Gasha D Is left all alone in the middle of the room*

Gasha D: (⌣̩_⌣ )

2012
05/11
CATEGORY
CRAP!!
RJ Shows
35 comments